It's been two (2) weeks. Actually, this is the second week; but I digress.
It's been two (2) weeks of watching thoughts and beliefs that "no longer serve" rise to the surface of my awareness. Two weeks of recognizing that I have a choice to either return to the former habitual way of thinking; or "let go". Meanwhile, "She". . .My Little Girl Self was watching to see which option I chose. She watched until today; when she said, "Aren't you tired of this? Haven't we spent enough time 'zamining (Her way of saying "examining)?" I thought, "Wow, it seems that we've switched places." At my thought she said, "Nope, we're TOGETHER!"
She's right! Over the 2 weeks we HAVE functioned as One. As I realized our "unity"; She repeated her questions, "Aren't you tired of this? Haven't we spent enough time 'zamining?" I answered, "Well, yes; but. . ." She cut me off, "Either 'yes' or 'no'" I shyly whispered, "yes". Giving the "side eye"; she said, "Doesn't sound like it." So, I raised my voice and my confidence and answered, "Yes, I have spent enough time 'zamining." I then felt our "Oneness".
Clearing My Path
On My path, challenges come to facilitate my cutting cords that have kept me from living the life that WE dreamed of when I was "Her"; My Little Girl Self. The challenges are not meant to frighten me; or stop my journey. If I choose, challenges actually build my Heart muscle. When I am conscious and cut a cord; my Heart expands with Joy! Each cut and cleared cord, opens the window of my imagination wider; enabling me to see Good.
As I type this, I see and feel Her in my Heart; humming happily. It is now that I understand the message of a 10-year-old dream that had haunted me.
Ten years ago, during a very challenging part of my path; I had a dream. I was in an arena size church. Surrounded by all of my family and friends; I was the only one dressed in gym clothes. Yes, everyone else was in their Sunday "best" and I was wearing tights, tennis shoes, hair in a sloppy bun and slouched in my seat as if I'd been forced to go to church.
All around me people were in the "call and response" mode with the "Bishop". He was an elderly man; who, I gathered; was much revered by his congregation. Looking around, I didn't understand what all of the hoopla was about. . .his words made no sense to me. He actually sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher "Wa Wa Wa Wa". So, after watching. . . I blurted out, "He ain't said nothing!"
One of my dearest cousins was seated next to me. When I blurted out; disturbing the service; she turned to me and said, "Why do you always have to say something?!" I responded, "But he's not saying anything!" In disgust, EVERY person in the arena got up; turned their backs on me and left. Chasing them, I yelled "Please don't leave me!" By the time I reached outside; there was what seemed like a 20ft high metal fence with barbed wire at the top, barring me from catching up to them. I awoke in tears when my children left me.
I vowed to be quiet. I needed every one of the people in that dream. I couldn't lose them. Instead, I sacrificed myself; My Little Girl Self.
When I realized that I'd sacrificed My Voice for acceptance and approval from others; She picked up her jump rope and said, "Enough! It's Play Time!"
Let's Play Pretend!
I'd told her that we needed to be abandoned; and so, over and over that is what we experienced: abandonment. To satisfy that need, We attracted situations that led to abandonment. Ultimately, I'd abandoned Her. Yet in the moment that I realized the Message of the Dream; She said, "Let's play 'Pretend'. So we together we pretend that only Good comes to Us.
So It Is. It Is So.