The Higher Self Chronicles: Earliest Memories
A few days ago, I was in a vulnerable state. In tears, I began speaking to Her. Whenever I picture Her, she is as she was in kindergarten. I see Her at 5 years old. Her 2 front teeth growing back in. Her hair pressed for school pictures with bangs. She is wearing the tortoise shell "cat eye" glasses that her auntie picked out. Her mother's only living child, her outfit had been picked out BEFORE school started. She's wearing a yellow blouse underneath the brown and yellow pleated jumper. . .I wonder if anyone else ever noticed the sadness already in her young eyes?
She's usually "very good". The only time She "acts up" is when she feels like she will be abandoned again. She prefers to protect herself from the pain of abandonment. Avoids it at all costs. She told herself that there's something "wrong" with her; something that makes her unlovable. On my end, I've tried to convince her that She IS lovable. Earlier this week, She was agitated and wasn't about to "calm down".
So, I began to quietly listen to Her answers to my question: "Why can't you let go of the pain?" Through Her 5-year-old tears, I made myself finally hear, and most importantly, FEEL Her pain. She told me how she felt betrayed whenever a relationship didn't last. She said, "You'd blame me for a relationship ending/a job going nowhere. . .I got blamed for every single thing that didn't go right for you!" Wow. . .there was TRUTH in every sob-ridden word that She said.
I told her, "I promise. I won't betray you ever again." To which, She replied, "I want to Be Loved!" With tears streaming down my face, I said, "I love you. I love you with EVERY fiber of my Being. You ARE worthy and deserving of Love; of My Love, Unconditionally. Rising from the park bench where I'd been sitting; I took Her for a walk. I imagined that I was holding the small hand of my 5-year-old Self. I was telling Her how Joyful it is when She's having fun. How She is the One Who walks into a room and meets no strangers. That it is Her authentic compassion for others that draws people to me. I tell Her how much I need Her strength. I thank Her for Her Strength. I feel Her moving closer to Me; trusting that I am keeping My promise to Her. . .just by listening, accepting and embracing Her Truth.
What's Next. . .
So much about Inner Child work can be focused on what we feel was denied us and thus, the cause for the wounding. I am finding that the TRUE cause for the wounding was what I told myself about What was said or done. I am learning that My Healing is in Giving Myself UNCONDITIONAL Love at All Times. I am 54 years old. While I started doing Emotional Physical Therapy 5 years ago; I avoided Inner Child work. I hoped that somehow the work I was doing would heal Her.
As long as I avoided Her; I wasn't healing. I was attempting to heal without pain. Well, unless We feel the pain; we have no idea that we're wounded. I am thankful for Her steadfast tenacity to be Seen. I can't betray her again. So, I am doing what brings Her. . .Me "Joy". . .taking off the masks. Honoring My Truth; OUR Truth and Living and Loving Her growth. If you haven't already guessed; She is Me.