Sad Children Become Sad Adults
For as long as I can remember, She had been saying, "If this is how my life is going to be I don't want it anymore." Yet, time and time again, I'd shut her down. It felt like I was born sad. When I look at pictures of my childhood; I see the sadness. I recognized that sadness in the eyes of a college classmate who recently ended his life.
Now, in our mid-50's my classmates and I have grieved the loss of parents, siblings, friends; and yes, even children. Yet, I don't believe that we have experienced the loss of someone due to suicide. But, that could have been a very different story. . .
From 1986-1997, Anxiety and Depression would have such a GRIP on Me that I didn't FEEL "worthy" of Life. A Self-proclaimed "Overachiever"; Anxiety and Depression ALMOST took Me Out!! - Me
Anxiety, Depression and Me
As I reposted messages about my classmate on social media; I felt that it was time for me to speak publicly about the four (4) attempts I made on my own life.
For 11 years (1986-1997) anxiety and depression almost took me out. October 10, 2017 marks the 20th anniversary of my LAST suicide attempt.
It would take 10 more years for me to decide to do differently in order to live. 2007 was the beginning! By 2010, I started "practicing". By 2012; "practice" was my Priority; my Commitment to Living!
Timing
Four years ago, (2013) I published "Emotional Physical Therapy: 120 Days to Infinity". It was the documentation of some of my practice; not all. Not ready to go "public" about having anxiety, depression; and the four suicide attempts; I thought that I had to be "perfect" before writing a book. I saw myself as still "broken". So, when I hit "send" after proofing the manuscript; I recall saying, "Who writes a workbook before writing their story of 'overcoming'?"
Today, I am thankful that even with all of the resistance I had about the first edition of "Emotional Physical Therapy"; I did hit "send". Four years to the day (September 22, 2017); I again, hit "send". This time, I felt joy. The second edition "Emotional Physical Therapy: 180 Days to Life" is my contribution to the world.
As One
Two days ago, my friends and I gathered to pay our respects to the family and friends of our classmate. As I viewed his body; I realized that my family and friends would have had to live through such an experience had I been successful in my suicide attempts. Looking at his son, and infant grandson; I realized that my daughter (then 2 1/2 months old) would have grown up without me; and perhaps, blame herself for my choosing death. Attending the viewing with my cousin and our friends from college; I turned to my cousin and friend and said, "I'm sorry."
I apologized and in that moment; My Little Girl Self and I were One.
The past 40 days; She and I have been on a Journey to Unity. With each blog post we have grown together. Allowing Her Voice, I determined that I need her and She needs Me. Together, we wrote the second edition; adding 60 days to the regimen. Together, We decided that We Want to Live! So it is. It is So.