Pain will drive you to seek relief by any means necessary. So began the weekly recording of my Inner Child healing. The pain comes any and every time I "betray" Her. The pain is Her way of reminding me to focus on the task at hand: Healing Her; i.e., Me; Healing All of The Mothers I carry; and "Yes" contribute to the Healing of Humankind. So, with focus; I followed Her lead.
After She'd shown Me that I carry All of The Mothers of My Matrilineal lineage within; She asked Me if I wanted to continue. I'd promised Her that I wouldn't betray Her. I'd promised that I would honor Her Wounding. Although I was/am a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of the task; I knew that the only way to gain Her trust was/is to follow Her lead. So I did. I am.
Wounded Little Girls
Two days before the Solar Eclipse crossed the United States; I read the previous two (2) blogs: (1) And A Little Child Shall Lead; and (2) "Loving and Healing" to my Mother. Mommy's response, "You didn't put that on Facebook?" I answered, "Yes, I have a blog." Silence.
Mommy and I; (just like my oldest daughter and I) have a tense relationship. In the three (3) weeks since arriving back home; I've often felt like I'd done no healing work whatsoever. Polar opposites in almost every imaginable way; I know that in our "opposites" are our "sameness". I recognize that Mommy's Inner Child and my Inner Child, are at odds. They are both Wounded Little Girls. Wounded Little Girls lash out at others when they feel threatened.
Reading the blogs to Mommy was my way of sharing what I was coming to understand about what we DO share: Our Spiritual Gifts. All of her life, Mommy has known that she was born with the "veil over her face". It was well known in the family that she had the "gift of sight". I was in conflict over her gift. I was afraid; yet, I had a sense of knowing. I believe that she sensed my fear and rejection. I would learn just how deeply my fear and rejection wounded Her Little Girl Self.
Mommy's Little Girl Self
The day after I read my blogs to Mommy, she commanded; "Later on, I want you to get a piece of paper so I can tell you MY story." Her command triggered My Little Girl Self. Mommy often commands while I am doing something. I recognize in the moment, that this is one of our "shared" traits: we don't like to be told what to do; nor how to do anything. However, because of my promise to My Little Girl Self, I knew that if Mommy was willing to tell her story; it was my duty as a healer of My Self and All of The Mothers to listen; and write.
Mommy's Little Girl Self is a fighter. Wait. . .Mommy is a Fighter. Her story is of a 5-year-old who has little to no memory of her biological mother. My grandmother passed away when Mommy was 5; her sister 3; and her brother just 1-years-old. My grandmother, at 18 years old, passed away in childbirth. In one afternoon, Mommy lost her mother and a baby brother. Mommy's telling is rife with anger/pain. Granddaddy would soon after marry my grandmother's cousin. It is here that the "Telling" takes on so much emotion that my own heart is pained. My Little Girl Self notices and knows that the tears welling up in Mommy's eyes are not the tears of an 83-year-old woman. The tears threatening to spill from Mommy's eyes are the tears of a 5-year-old who told herself to never be vulnerable.
Mommy's Little Girl Self told Herself that being vulnerable would lead to pain and rejection. As she told Her story of an uncle (granddaddy's brother) telling her that he didn't "like her"; the Little Girl began sobbing. I knew that Mommy had willed herself not to cry 70+ years ago. Here, in her own living room, she struggled with being vulnerable in front of me; her only child. Yet, I understood.
Holding onto pain feels like it is saving the Wounded Child's life. Mommy's "Telling" was her contribution to the healing of The Mothers. My Little Girl Self squeezed my hand. It was time to go. So close, that we are now walking in sync; She looks up at me and say's "Vulnerability is a Practice."